TO
PROTECT AND HOLD
[Lame title, I know… But what the hell… :)]
BY: MiniMorr
PAIRING: Yohji x Ran
RATING/WARNING: Shounen ai. Light angst and so forth.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of these characters, please don’t sue, I
mean no harm.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I would just like to sit here and watch you for a little while, love, I
hope you don’t mind. I know that you’re always complaining that you need
your ’beauty sleep’ but looking at you right now, that word have become to
mean something else to me. To watch you like this… I can’t understand it…
And I can’t understand you. I can’t understand how you managed to
needle your way into my heart and soul, and why I let you stay there when I
realized what had happened… I don’t understand. But then, perhaps, I’m not
supposed to either? I don’t know… If I wake you up, can you answer that
question for me?
I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. How much you mean to me.
These are things I can never tell you in the light of the day – only here in
the dark can I open up my heart to you. I know that you can’t hear me, that
you’re too far away in the land of your dreams. Do you dream of me, or of her?
I sometimes wonder how much I mean to you, if you have let me in enough to share
that space in your heart reserved for her? For Asuka… Still, whenever you say
her name, you get that light in your eyes, the light that I wish I had provoked
from you… Is it so wrong to be jealous of someone who have been dead for
years? Is it so strange that I wonder if I can ever take her place, if only for
a little while? I wonder what you would say if I presented you with this. I
wonder if I would have to force you to choose and if I could pick up the pieces
of my heart and walk away again if you didn't choose me? Can you tell me that?
And will I prefer a sweet lie to the corrupted truth? I’m not sure…
I’m rambling, aren’t I? I’m sorry love, but I just got carried
away. I didn’t mean to. It’s just the night that caught me up like this. I
love the night, but you already know that, don’t you? I love the night because
I can be with you, because I can let down my guard when I’m in the dark like
this.
I would die for you, you know that don’t you? I’ve already killed for
you, more times than I can count. I don’t know when it happened, when you took
her place in my thoughts at the
missions. I don’t know. You just did. I’ve killed for you, and I would die
for you too, if I have to. All to keep you safe and away from harm.
At times, I think I’m loosing it, loosing whatever sanity I have left.
You always know when I’m approaching those moments, and you always know how to
stop me from falling into the abyss again. You know how to hold me, how to let
me deal with all those emotions that overwhelmes me. But do you know that I love
you the most when you do that? That sometimes, it threatens to sweep me away
more than everything else? To be there in your arms, and let you hold me… Do
you know how much it cost me to let down my guard around you? No, you don’t.
I’ve never told you, and I can’t. To let you know that would be a mistake.
You can be used against me, and everything I do I do to keep you safe. I
couldn’t live if something would befall you…
I guess I just got carried away again. I’m sorry love, I promise it
won’t happen again. It’s just so easy to spill everything out like this, to
pour out all those thoughts and feelings that crowds me during the day that I
have to bottle up. I know I’m not good with words, I’ve never been. I just
hope that you can read my actions well enough to know what I’m trying to say.
I will always protect you, remember that. Even if you tell me that it is over in
the morning, I will always be a shadow by your side, and I will stop at nothing
to keep you safe. There, I’m repeating myself again. I’m sorry, I just
can’t seem to focus anymore… Perhaps it’s because you were so close to
death tonight, courting your Lady like you didn’t have a care in the world.
That you didn’t have me… That stings, burns, needles its way into me. How
you so easily could throw it all away for a chance to dance with her again, the
White Lady… You’ve danced with me, but never in that way.
I just wanted to tell you that you are my sanctuary, my peace. My life.
I can almost laugh at that. How easily I can give you my heart and my soul to
keep or throw away… How easily you can crush me like the petals of a rose and
I would just sit back and let you.
Perhaps it’s time for me to go back to bed now, to return to your side
in the warmth of the darkness that is you. To hear your heartbeat tell me that
you’re alive. To let you hold me in your arms and feel those emotions trigger
the memories of the times we had together. To let them wash away the fear and
the pain, till there is nothing left but you. To breathe only to be.
To feel…
And hope that the madness don’t catch me here. I don’t want to give
in to that tonight, but I know I will. I never sleep well the night after
missions where you’ve been in danger. I don’t mean to worry you, I just want
you to hold me for a little while. You are my walls, you are the place where I
live, where I’m alive.
The moon is so beautiful tonight, love. I wish that I could wake you up
so that you could see it too. But I can’t. You need your ’beauty sleep’,
as you always tell me. And besides, you are so beautiful when you just lie
there, so peaceful and relaxed…
As I crawl back under the comforter, I place a small kiss on your lips. I
never do those things in the day, let alone in the public, but I can do them
now. Perhaps I am what you always say – uptight and afraid of my own and
others’ feelings. But I don’t know what to do. I am afraid, I am so afraid
that you will reject me, that you will wake up tomorrow and laugh at me and tell
me that you were just playing with me…
Lying here, basking in your warmth, drives away all my fears. Here, I can
just be. Here, I can let down every wall, because you will protect me and hold
me and drive everything away. I just hope that you know that I will do the same
for you.
Good night, love. See you in the morning…
******
Okay, that one was sweet enough for me to get a toothache, but it just
came knocking at my door and demanded attention, sorry… :)